Mix 94.5

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter As well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartende rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish!

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks And they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
Not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Posted by Pamela Pinem Thursday 5 June, 2008 03:55 PM

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, '"Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr.
Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He replied .. "Hickory dickory dock....

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 4 June, 2008 10:44 AM

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 3 June, 2008 04:57 AM

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work."

The Boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss,I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon......By the way, Boss, you got nice house."

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 29 May, 2008 06:36 AM

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather trustingly.
'Well,' she said, responding very carefully, 'I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently.'

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment then, looking over his glasses, casually asked, 'Is that one word or two?'

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 27 May, 2008 06:27 AM

IRISH BLONDE
>
> An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and
> bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
> She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
> when I'm 'completely nude'.
>
> With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
> and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
>
> As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
> squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
>
> She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
> winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at
> each other dumbfounded.
>
> Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
>
> The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were
> watching.'
>
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY ~
> Not all Irish are stupid..
> Not all blondes are dumb,
> But all men are men.

Posted by Bruce Wellstead Sunday 25 May, 2008 01:36 PM

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says

'It's best I stay here' he says.

''Why?' says the blonde.

The boys says:
'Because I’m the goalie'

Posted by Ray Willis Saturday 24 May, 2008 08:50 AM

Job Try Out

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search
down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude.

The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one, from Australia, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.

It's either:

Willie Turner or Willie Nayler."

The Australian got the job...

Posted by Sharon Hayward Wednesday 21 May, 2008 12:16 PM

Letter from a Tazzie Mum;

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow - because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20kms from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Tasmanian family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a Ute. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mum

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

Posted by Jacksback Thursday 15 May, 2008 12:21 PM

Afghan Women

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land Mines!!"

MORAL OF THE STORY: Behind every man is a very smart woman!

Posted by Sue Rayner Monday 12 May, 2008 07:03 PM

A bloke goes into see the Doctor one day and tells him that he thinks he has a Cricket Ball up his arse. The Doctor says "Howzat". The patient says, "Don't you start".

Posted by Timothy Duke Monday 12 May, 2008 01:30 PM

Cake or bed

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,

Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily, fix the lights now? Does it look like I have Western Power written on my forehead?
I don't think so.

”Fine” she says, then the wife asks, Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right

To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.

Fine, she says

Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps he says, does it look like I have Bunnings written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you, I'm going to the pub!!!!

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours...............................

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed? She said, well, when you left I sat outside and cried. just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said, so what kind of cake did you bake?

She replied, hellooooo.. Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so!

Posted by Teri Welch Monday 12 May, 2008 09:26 AM

husband and wife upholsterers working in the factory,he is on the sewing machine she is measuring and cutting fabric on the bench.she stretches out the tape measure and shouts to him on the sewing machine ,what's half of sixty nine,he shouts back ME.

Posted by malcolm dunn Wednesday 7 May, 2008 02:54 PM

Opps I missed putting in the punch line :)

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What's the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

Posted by Wally Brown Wednesday 30 April, 2008 08:57 AM

Clive the old chap went into a chemist to buy Viagra.

'Can I have 6 tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me?'

' I can cut them into quarters sir' says the chemist, 'but a quarter won't give you a full erection'

'I'm 87' says old Clive, 'I don't have any use for an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers!!!'

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 30 April, 2008 05:54 AM

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks.

“I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What's the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

Posted by Wally Brown Tuesday 29 April, 2008 06:36 PM

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 29 April, 2008 12:43 PM

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Posted by Joanne Joyce Tuesday 22 April, 2008 11:16 AM

Condom factory burns down in N.Z.

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland,is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!!!

I've just received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklnd hs burned to the ground.

It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week!

PM: 'SHUT!!! - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted bebies - w'ill be ruined!!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from....Brutain?'

PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!!'

Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia?'

PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck!!

That way they'll continue to respect the all blacks!'

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms;

10 enches long; 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold. with small writing on each one...

MADE IN AUSTRALIA

- SIZE: MEDIUM

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie... Oy Oy Oy

Posted by Mick Tuesday 22 April, 2008 07:55 AM

The main difference between Mormons and Muslims is that the Mormons want their 72 virgins NOW!

Posted by Jesus Tuesday 22 April, 2008 02:01 AM

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"

Posted by Angela Sunday 20 April, 2008 12:02 PM

A Husband and Wife are shopping in Woolworth's.

The man picks up a carton of beer and sticks them into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife'

They're on offer, only $30 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies.... …………………………………………...

'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

Posted by Barry Inder Friday 18 April, 2008 05:30 AM

THE WEDDING NIGHT
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was a very nervous.
Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, John's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."
So, uppa she went. When she got upstairs, John took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, John's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, uppa she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, John took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, John took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. John's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, uppa she went again.
When she got there, John took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, John's got a foot and a half!"
Her mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta!

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 April, 2008 12:35 PM

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her intimately.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 April, 2008 12:34 PM

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Ha!. We took an @rsehole out of Scotland; put him in 10 Downing Street and half the country is looking for work today.

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 April, 2008 12:33 PM

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A
SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE
SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO
HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A
MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....

I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 April, 2008 12:28 PM

“Uhhhg, I keep losing my reception.”
“Don’t worry about it too much you just have to leave it alone sometimes.”

Posted by Michael Boag Tuesday 8 April, 2008 08:38 AM

A guy staggered out of a pub drunk. He noticed a nun walking a short way ahead of him. He beat the nun to within an inch of her life. As she lay in agony on the ground, he swaggered off muttering' Not so tough now are you Batman?'

Posted by Christo Wednesday 2 April, 2008 09:59 PM

HUMOUR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead -to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 27 March, 2008 08:22 AM

The Bathtub Test
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

Posted by Bruce Galbraith Wednesday 26 March, 2008 08:06 AM

JOKE- Claude The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Old Folk's Home. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SH1T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the floor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by Elaine McAteer Saturday 22 March, 2008 03:52 PM

A joke:
Aman goes up to a lady in the bar and says "can I buy you a drink" she says "Thank you but no, its not good for my legs. The man replies "Why, do they swell?" She replies "No, they spread."

Posted by Deirdre Clark Tuesday 18 March, 2008 03:22 PM

Really want joke to be read out please. Preferrably by Captain Paul.

Posted by Dylan Hammond Monday 17 March, 2008 06:10 PM

Q. Why do cheese hate Tuesdays

A. It's Cheese Day

Posted by Deon Wednesday 12 March, 2008 01:39 PM

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque.

I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 10 March, 2008 02:37 PM

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 10 March, 2008 02:28 PM

Q. What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?

A. A pissed-off crow with a submachine gun.

Posted by Di Blanchard - Wattle Grove Friday 7 March, 2008 05:14 AM

One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession.
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it? "
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her? " The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My
mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her as well."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man calmly replied "Join the queue"

Posted by brian Saturday 23 February, 2008 03:51 PM

Subject: Balls...
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is, I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is, that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live
for but he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought,
"That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said,
"Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see.. size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old."
The salesman shook his head,
"You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine, and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $ 400
New shirt - $ 36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Posted by brian Saturday 23 February, 2008 03:45 PM

God’s balance

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God, "where have you been? "
God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made," said God
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, " what is it ? "
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example, Nth America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Sth America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to another area land and asked,"what's that ?"
"Ah", said God. "That's Western Australia, the most glorious place on earth.There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the worlds finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and sportsman. The people from Western Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.
They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied very wisely, " Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting on the East Coast"

Posted by brian Saturday 23 February, 2008 03:38 PM

6 BEST SMART-ARSED ANSWERS OF THE YEAR (in reverse order)

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!’

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a TAFE college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arse at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Posted by Viola Hutchison Saturday 23 February, 2008 12:56 PM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word was... CELEB R ATE !!! "

Posted by brian Friday 22 February, 2008 06:29 AM

old couple are celerbrating 70 years of marriage ,sitting having breakfast the old girl says gee my breasts are still hot after 85 yaers , old guy looks ova and says thats ones in your coffee and ones in your porridge

Posted by mike the kiwi Friday 22 February, 2008 06:06 AM

jokes r very funny.thanx.

Posted by porourangi renata Thursday 21 February, 2008 01:46 PM

A bloke has been in a bad accident, he's lying in a bed in ICU, bruised and bloodied from head to toe, with an oxygen mask on his face...

A ( female ) nurse comes in and the bloke says ' Nurse, are my testicles black ? '

She goes ' WHAT?'..he repeats his question, so she pulls down the sheet, lifts his gown, gently lifts his penis and has a look...and says 'No, they're fine'..the bloke then takes off the oxygen mask and says ' Thanks for that, but I was asking..'are my test results back ?? '

Posted by Ken Truslove Sunday 17 February, 2008 03:38 PM

Two Snowmen were out in the field and one says to the other, "Hey Bill - do you smell carrots?"

Posted by Sharron Friday 15 February, 2008 12:12 PM

THE OBEDIENT WIFE

There was a man who worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me".

And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all his money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she walked over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.

The wife replied, "I sure did!"
"I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it!"

Posted by Rae Thursday 14 February, 2008 06:57 AM

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Posted by Deb Thursday 14 February, 2008 06:11 AM

You gotta love a good nurse.

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull
his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence: "Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week

Posted by Carolyn Wednesday 13 February, 2008 04:54 PM

Emergency flashers
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The life-like cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What is going on here?'
'My car broke down, Officer' says the woman, calmly.
'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!' asks the Officer.
HELLLLLLO, those are my emergency flashers!' she replied.

Posted by Mark Pescud Saturday 9 February, 2008 11:40 AM

We're off to see the Wizard!
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado... And off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City .... ...and went to find the Great Wizard
"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"
Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly: "I've come for some courage."
"No Problem!" said the Wizard, "Who's next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said: "Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done! Says the Wizard." "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said, "The American people say that I need a brain."
"That’s a big ask!”, said the Wizard. “Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do YOU want?"

"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

Posted by Mark Pescud Saturday 9 February, 2008 11:28 AM

Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes The Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles

Posted by Mark Pescud Saturday 9 February, 2008 11:10 AM

thir was tree boys and thay
sure a man draning and whent to save him the man
the he sed thank you im paul keting and for saveing you can have wish the frist boy sed i wood like a bem x bike pul sed dun and the send boy sed i wood like a trip to disclan pul sed dun the thrid boy sed i wood like
a melaghe fouel paul why your not dieing are you no but whe my mum finds out who ive just save she wii kill me

Posted by janine cole Sunday 20 January, 2008 01:54 PM

hey its not a joke, but slapping the teenage partyboy would make fred feel a bit better....
http://www.slapcorey.com/

Posted by brendon smith Thursday 17 January, 2008 03:04 PM

Q. why did the toilet paper roll down the hill ?
A. To get to the bottom

Posted by Courtney Thursday 10 January, 2008 08:56 AM

okay how about these i nearly feel off my chair when i heard them

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

OR
Knock Knock
whos there?
nobal
nobel who?
A. no bell so i knocked
OR
this one is silly
Q. What goes tick tock woof? A. a watch dog

Posted by Courtney Thursday 10 January, 2008 08:53 AM

what do elephants use as vibrators? epileptic pygmies!

Posted by mark Wednesday 28 November, 2007 07:16 AM

Voted Best Short Scottish Joke!!

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Posted by Derek Hood Thursday 22 November, 2007 12:44 PM

bunch go to blogs and check out zorba the greek yolngu style its well done. have a great day.

Posted by debra Thursday 1 November, 2007 09:21 PM

a priest was walking thorugh the cemetary one day when he passed another man on his way, the priest says to the man 'Morning', the man replies 'no, im just looking for my dog.'

Posted by Luke Sunday 28 October, 2007 10:21 PM

What a boo bee? ( only clean answers please)
It's a little bug that flies up behind a bee and yells BOO BEE

Posted by Beverly Sunday 28 October, 2007 08:58 AM

knock knock,
who's there,
bumble bee,
bumble bee who,
bumble bee cold if you don't wear knickers.

Posted by Ruth Saturday 27 October, 2007 02:08 PM

2 Blondes walk into a building !
You would have expected the second one to see it.

Posted by Graham Wednesday 26 September, 2007 02:00 AM

Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates St. Peter opens them and says "Oh it's you Luciano - come on in!". Pavarotti says "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you from the Pope." St. Peter opens it up and reads it "HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU".

Posted by Stuart Saturday 22 September, 2007 08:23 PM

A mouse and an elephant crossed a rickety wooden bridge in the jungle. As they stepped off, the mouse looked proudly up at the elephant and said, "Wow, we really shook that didn't we."

Posted by John Smith Tuesday 31 July, 2007 09:56 AM

Q: What is black and white and eats like a horse?

A: A zebra

Posted by Nhat Sunday 29 July, 2007 05:43 PM

Q. Did you hear that the invisible man married the invisible woman?
A. The kids were nothing to look at!

Posted by teena Saturday 28 July, 2007 04:03 AM

Q. What's pink and fluffy
A. Pink fluff

Q. What's blue and fluffy
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath

Posted by Scooby Friday 27 July, 2007 04:30 PM

Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?

A. Where you left it.

Posted by Bruce Friday 27 July, 2007 04:29 PM

A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hey , could I get a beer please"

The bartender looks at him shaking his head and says "No, we don't serve food here"

Posted by Pastie Friday 27 July, 2007 04:25 PM

A Grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a beer... The Bartender exclaims "...My God, we have a drink named after you!!", so the grasshopper changes his mind and says "...okay, I'll have a Kevin thanks"

Posted by Ingrid Friday 27 July, 2007 10:41 AM

What do you call a Bear with No Ears?

A "B"

Posted by David Friday 27 July, 2007 10:40 AM