Mix 94.5

Paddy finds a sandwich in the gutter with 2 red wires sticking out of it.

He phones the police and says "Help me, Bejesus, I've found a sandwich that looks like a bomb".

The operator replies "Is it tickin?"

"No" says Paddy "Oi tink its beef !!!"

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 July, 2008 08:36 AM

A five-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," replied his mother

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 July, 2008 08:15 AM

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I‘m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decides to accept the latter alternative.

So the big black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he feels sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovers and vows revenge.

He heads out on another trip back to Alaska where he finds the big black bear and shoots it dead. Right afterwards, there’s another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear is standing right next to him.

The Grizzly says, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again Frank decides it's better to cooperate with the grizzly than to be mauled to death... so the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although Frank survives, it takes him several months to fully recover. Now Frank is outraged, so he heads back to Alaska to track down the huge grizzly bear.

He finds it and shoots it dead. He's feeling sweet revenge, but seconds later there is a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looks at him and says,"Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting do you?"

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 July, 2008 08:01 AM

Why did the nurse, who had been delivering babies for many years, take a year off work?

She was going through a midwife crisis.

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 16 July, 2008 06:42 AM

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her intimately.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 15 July, 2008 05:47 AM

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $5,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$130,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,000,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1,000,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It’s really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....!!

He smiles and asks:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to…….!!!!"

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 15 July, 2008 05:45 AM

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'You've all got one minute to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'You B@st@rd….!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was working in a bank when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her and she fell over……!!!

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 10 July, 2008 01:19 PM

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's penis off and tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis splattered into their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then disappeared over the roof.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said.................

'Had a big penis, didn't it?'

Posted by peter Wednesday 9 July, 2008 08:28 PM

That's a pretty funny website El Kitty :)

Posted by Dan Wednesday 9 July, 2008 01:42 PM

World's best web site:

www.isittuesday.com

;)

Posted by El Kitty Wednesday 9 July, 2008 01:20 PM

Howard was a furniture dealer from Georgia. He was wanting a new line of furniture to spark up his inventory. He had never traveled out of the country, so he thought he would go to Paris to see what the furniture market was like over there.

He arrived in Paris and toured several furniture galleries and manufacturing facilities. He found a new line of furniture that he thought would go over well back home in Georgia. He closed the deal for the first shipment and was very pleased with the results. Howard decided he would stop by a little bistro to reward himself for his new business deal. He stops by for a drink and the little bistro is quite crowed. Actually he gets the last available table.

After awhile a tall, beautiful French girl comes in looking for a table. The only remaining seat is at Howards table. She says something to him in French, but he doesn't understand. He signals for her to have a seat. She joins him. But their attempts at conversation don't get very far because she doesn't speak any English and he doesn't speak French.

At one point Howard takes a napkin an draws a wine glass on it. The woman nods and Howard buys her a glass of wine. A little later Howard draws some food, she nods. So they leave the bistro and go to a romantic cafe for dinner.

Howard draws two people dancing and some musical notes. she nods happily, and they go dancing and are having a wonderful time.

As the evening wears on, the girl takes a napkin and draws a four-poster bed. And to this day, Howard hasn't figured out how she knew he was in the furniture business.

Posted by El Kitty Wednesday 9 July, 2008 01:12 PM

Brave Man Jokes...

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90%..
It is called a wedding cake!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1)Internet
2)Telephone
3)Telawoman

Posted by Michael Wednesday 9 July, 2008 01:11 PM

"Male solution for incontinence"

A wee old man went into a chemist to buy Viagra. He asked the chemist,"Can I have 6 Tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me"? "I can cut them into quarters sir", say the chemist, "but a quarter won't give you a full erection." "I am 96", says the the old man. "I don't have use for an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't urinate on my slippers"!!!!!!

Posted by Con Andreou Tuesday 8 July, 2008 06:36 PM

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

ten kilos

Posted by michele Tuesday 8 July, 2008 05:54 PM

Nicole Kidman naming her baby girl 'Sunday Rose' or should that be "Sunday Roast." Now that is a joke.!!

Posted by Nett190 Tuesday 8 July, 2008 02:03 PM

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 8 July, 2008 05:30 AM

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,

"Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy.................go gitcha momma..............."

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 8 July, 2008 05:23 AM

morton walks into the pub and says to the barman can i have a whiskey please barman pours morton a whiskey. morton drinks the whiskey puts the glass down and asks the barman for another whiskey the barman pours morton another whiskey.

morton then says to the barman you know i shouldnt be drinking this with what i got

barman replys whats wrong morton what you got

morton replys 20 cents

Posted by graeme Monday 7 July, 2008 12:45 PM

Do Whales Fart?
Think of all the problems that start
With the expression of one whales fart !
A sneaky whale behind a ship,
Could certainly let a big one rip !
Can you imagine that mighty blast ?
It would leave a ship without a mast !
And the effect on local fish life,
Would cause a lot of terrible strife !
Do you think the Bermuda Triangle,
Is just a fart at the right angle ?
Would a fart cause a tsunami
To crash over unlucky Miami ?
Could letting off a really big blast
Make a whale go really fast ?
A very long fart at the oceans side
Would be heard over the incoming tide !
What about the beautiful whale song,
Is it accompanied by a terrible pong ?
Yes a whale fart is really real !
How else can you explain a seal ??

Posted by karron Sunday 6 July, 2008 06:30 PM

Two Irish hunters were driving through the country to go deer hunting .They came upon a fork in the road where a sigh read " deer left " so they went home .

Posted by Jamie Robinson Sunday 6 July, 2008 02:57 PM

How are men and carpets alike ? if you lay them right the first time , you can walk all over them for years to come !

Posted by Jamie Robinson Sunday 6 July, 2008 02:38 PM

A womens favorite 4 animals : a mink in the closet , a jaguar in the garage , a tiger in the bedroom , and an ass to pay for it all .

Posted by Jamie Robinson Sunday 6 July, 2008 02:26 PM

A Baptist preacher from WA had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed five objects on his desk: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey, a cigarette, and a Hustler magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK. But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. If he picks up the cigarette, he's going to be a worthless smoker. And worst of all, if he picks up that Hustler magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum."

The preacher waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, put the cigarette to his lips, and lit it up. Taking a long drag from the cancer-stick, he uncorked the whiskey bottle and took a big swig, while admiring the Hustler centerfold.

"Lord have mercy!," the old preacher whispered in disgust, "he's going to be Captain Paul!"

Posted by Barry Inder Friday 4 July, 2008 10:37 AM

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Posted by Simon Locke Friday 4 July, 2008 08:03 AM

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me, Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question.. ' What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

Posted by Simon Locke Friday 4 July, 2008 08:00 AM

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One!"

The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£ 124,237.64"

The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!

What the hell did you sell him?"

Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

Posted by Simon Locke Friday 4 July, 2008 07:54 AM

when i ws married the first morning my wife gave me salad for breakfast.when I asked her why she had give me salad she replied

"I want to see if you eat like a rabbit as well"

Posted by John Griffiths Thursday 3 July, 2008 05:44 PM

what do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A- a wooly jumper

what do you get if you cross a male horse and a coin

A- a buck

Posted by natasha Thursday 3 July, 2008 02:08 PM

Friend of mine went to the zoo.

There was only one dog there.

It was a shitzu

Posted by Avril Thursday 3 July, 2008 01:02 PM

A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair.

She let out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.

You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior. ? You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother. A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I ever made....it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…….when it hit a bird in mid-flight, not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.

"While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, his squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself! While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off with my ball still clutched in the squirrel's paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"....as the Hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right on the green.

The ball popped out of the squirrel's paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the F***ing putt, didn't you…….?"

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 3 July, 2008 08:08 AM

While stitching up the hand of a crusty 75 year old Queensland farmer who cut his hand on a gate, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Kevin 07 and his now being our Prime Minister.

The old farmer said, "Ya know, Rudd is what we call a fencepost turtle".

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘fencepost turtle’ was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look remain on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of a idiot put him up there in the first place!''

Posted by Kelly Thursday 3 July, 2008 07:54 AM

How many Fremantle Dockers players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don't know, they haven't reached the top of the ladder yet.

Posted by Allison Thursday 3 July, 2008 07:47 AM

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.

The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

Posted by Allison Thursday 3 July, 2008 07:47 AM

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you? 'I hope you're so proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been fighting for her life!

It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely be your last!

'For the rest of her life she will require 24 hour round the clock care and you'll be the one looking after her!'

The man was feeling so guilty he just broke down and sobbed uncontrollably.

Then the doctor snickered and said, 'I'm sorry. I'm just joking with you. She died an hour ago. What score did you shoot?'

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 3 July, 2008 07:43 AM

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Posted by Cindy Wednesday 2 July, 2008 12:35 PM

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind as it hits a windscreen?

It's bum!

Posted by Willie Craig Wednesday 2 July, 2008 10:39 AM

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the
old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

I loved this one xxxx

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Get 5GB of online storage for free! Get it Now!

Posted by Simon Locke Wednesday 2 July, 2008 10:18 AM

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
He says "Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
He answers "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 2 July, 2008 08:30 AM

Important newsflash about Beyonce Knowles.
It was reported last night that Beyonce is, in fact, the love child of the late great U.K. presenter of 'Record Breakers', Roy Castle.

A spokesperson from Beyonce's record company has said that she is pleased by the discovery, but will not be taking her newly discovered father's surname.

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 2 July, 2008 08:25 AM

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathises, and makes him a cuppa.

As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".

"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, " but his eyesight is perfect".

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I can't remember".

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 2 July, 2008 08:15 AM

An elderly couple were attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,

'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

Posted by Gary T Monday 30 June, 2008 08:27 PM

Three dead male bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. After the autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector:

'First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his young mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body: 'A Scotsman, 45, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the big smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Patrick O'Toole, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'He thought he was having his picture taken.... '

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 30 June, 2008 07:05 AM

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral", the man replied... "I'm a gynaecologist!”.

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 30 June, 2008 07:05 AM

Prince Charles is trying to barter with a London prostitute for a moment of passion. She keeps asking for 50 pounds but he keeps trying to barter her down to 20 pounds. After a lot of unsuccessful negotiating he forgets he has a local appointmment with Camilla and rushes off to meet her. On his return he passes the same prostitute who remarks loudly.

"I told you that you wouldn't get much for 20 pounds".

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 30 June, 2008 07:04 AM

A man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly.... "NOW THAT'S how you wave a f ***ing towel, son!!"

Posted by Barry Inder Friday 27 June, 2008 05:50 AM

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.

See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.

No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nodded politely and wen t about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull.

The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....!!

"Your card…..!! Your card…..!!! Show him your card….!!!!"

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 26 June, 2008 12:20 PM

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an asshole..

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 26 June, 2008 05:37 AM

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'

The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'

The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.'

To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 26 June, 2008 05:31 AM

The Fencepost turtle

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin 07 and his appointment to Prime Minister of Australia.

"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old farmer said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!''

Posted by Ian Moo Wednesday 25 June, 2008 08:11 PM

Hey Barry, thanks for all the jokes :) Keep them coming

Posted by Joss from The Bunch Wednesday 25 June, 2008 08:30 AM

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Chinse Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"

The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"

The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 25 June, 2008 07:13 AM

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks,'What happened?'

His wife replies,'Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

I do not have a headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.'

'It worked! The headaches are all gone.'

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire In the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her On the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps Into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I'll be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even Better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!'

His funeral service will be held on Saturday

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 24 June, 2008 05:32 AM

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Cause he kneaded a s&^t!!!

Posted by Denise Thursday 19 June, 2008 07:25 PM

The Australian Army Letter.
Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, or eggs ta get or feed to stack -nothin'!!

But ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even some soap and a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city kids are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - strewth... its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' -dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - but it's OK coz it's only one at a time like, it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes pulled me off and carried me to the boozer. He didn't come with us though, said somethin about sore mouth...

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 19 June, 2008 06:09 AM

OLDER WOMAN!
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double?'.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
'Oh.' I said as my mind began to embrace the idea,
'No, I haven't.'
And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mom, you still awake'?

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 16 June, 2008 11:55 AM

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter As well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartende rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish!

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks And they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
Not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Posted by Pamela Pinem Thursday 5 June, 2008 03:55 PM

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, '"Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr.
Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He replied .. "Hickory dickory dock....

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 4 June, 2008 10:44 AM

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 3 June, 2008 04:57 AM

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work."

The Boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, "Boss,I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon......By the way, Boss, you got nice house."

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 29 May, 2008 06:36 AM

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather trustingly.
'Well,' she said, responding very carefully, 'I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently.'

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment then, looking over his glasses, casually asked, 'Is that one word or two?'

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 27 May, 2008 06:27 AM

IRISH BLONDE
>
> An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and
> bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
> She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
> when I'm 'completely nude'.
>
> With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
> and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
>
> As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
> squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
>
> She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
> winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at
> each other dumbfounded.
>
> Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
>
> The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were
> watching.'
>
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY ~
> Not all Irish are stupid..
> Not all blondes are dumb,
> But all men are men.

Posted by Bruce Wellstead Sunday 25 May, 2008 01:36 PM

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing all alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says

'It's best I stay here' he says.

''Why?' says the blonde.

The boys says:
'Because I’m the goalie'

Posted by Ray Willis Saturday 24 May, 2008 08:50 AM

Job Try Out

A major International company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search
down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude.

The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one, from Australia, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.

It's either:

Willie Turner or Willie Nayler."

The Australian got the job...

Posted by Sharon Hayward Wednesday 21 May, 2008 12:16 PM

Letter from a Tazzie Mum;

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow - because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20kms from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Tasmanian family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though; last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a Ute. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mum

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

Posted by Jacksback Thursday 15 May, 2008 12:21 PM

Afghan Women

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land Mines!!"

MORAL OF THE STORY: Behind every man is a very smart woman!

Posted by Sue Rayner Monday 12 May, 2008 07:03 PM

A bloke goes into see the Doctor one day and tells him that he thinks he has a Cricket Ball up his arse. The Doctor says "Howzat". The patient says, "Don't you start".

Posted by Timothy Duke Monday 12 May, 2008 01:30 PM

Cake or bed

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,

Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily, fix the lights now? Does it look like I have Western Power written on my forehead?
I don't think so.

”Fine” she says, then the wife asks, Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right

To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.

Fine, she says

Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps he says, does it look like I have Bunnings written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you, I'm going to the pub!!!!

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours...............................

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed? She said, well, when you left I sat outside and cried. just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.

He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.

He said, so what kind of cake did you bake?

She replied, hellooooo.. Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so!

Posted by Teri Welch Monday 12 May, 2008 09:26 AM

husband and wife upholsterers working in the factory,he is on the sewing machine she is measuring and cutting fabric on the bench.she stretches out the tape measure and shouts to him on the sewing machine ,what's half of sixty nine,he shouts back ME.

Posted by malcolm dunn Wednesday 7 May, 2008 02:54 PM

Opps I missed putting in the punch line :)

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What's the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

Posted by Wally Brown Wednesday 30 April, 2008 08:57 AM

Clive the old chap went into a chemist to buy Viagra.

'Can I have 6 tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me?'

' I can cut them into quarters sir' says the chemist, 'but a quarter won't give you a full erection'

'I'm 87' says old Clive, 'I don't have any use for an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers!!!'

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 30 April, 2008 05:54 AM

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks.

“I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What's the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

Posted by Wally Brown Tuesday 29 April, 2008 06:36 PM

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 29 April, 2008 12:43 PM

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Posted by Joanne Joyce Tuesday 22 April, 2008 11:16 AM

Condom factory burns down in N.Z.

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland,is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!!!

I've just received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklnd hs burned to the ground.

It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week!

PM: 'SHUT!!! - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted bebies - w'ill be ruined!!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from....Brutain?'

PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!!'

Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia?'

PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck!!

That way they'll continue to respect the all blacks!'

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms;

10 enches long; 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold. with small writing on each one...

MADE IN AUSTRALIA

- SIZE: MEDIUM

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie... Oy Oy Oy

Posted by Mick Tuesday 22 April, 2008 07:55 AM

The main difference between Mormons and Muslims is that the Mormons want their 72 virgins NOW!

Posted by Jesus Tuesday 22 April, 2008 02:01 AM

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men. He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, whereas women use 20,000 words per day. His wife thought about this for a while. She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. Her husband looked stunned. He said "What?"

Posted by Angela Sunday 20 April, 2008 12:02 PM

A Husband and Wife are shopping in Woolworth's.

The man picks up a carton of beer and sticks them into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife'

They're on offer, only $30 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies.... …………………………………………...

'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

Posted by Barry Inder Friday 18 April, 2008 05:30 AM

THE WEDDING NIGHT
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was a very nervous.
Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, John's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."
So, uppa she went. When she got upstairs, John took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
"Mama, Mama, John's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, uppa she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, John took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, John took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. John's a good man.
Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, uppa she went again.
When she got there, John took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, John's got a foot and a half!"
Her mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta!

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 April, 2008 12:35 PM

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her intimately.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 April, 2008 12:34 PM

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Ha!. We took an @rsehole out of Scotland; put him in 10 Downing Street and half the country is looking for work today.

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 April, 2008 12:33 PM

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A
SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE
SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO
HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A
MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....

I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 April, 2008 12:28 PM

“Uhhhg, I keep losing my reception.”
“Don’t worry about it too much you just have to leave it alone sometimes.”

Posted by Michael Boag Tuesday 8 April, 2008 08:38 AM

A guy staggered out of a pub drunk. He noticed a nun walking a short way ahead of him. He beat the nun to within an inch of her life. As she lay in agony on the ground, he swaggered off muttering' Not so tough now are you Batman?'

Posted by Christo Wednesday 2 April, 2008 09:59 PM

HUMOUR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead -to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 27 March, 2008 08:22 AM

The Bathtub Test
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

Posted by Bruce Galbraith Wednesday 26 March, 2008 08:06 AM

JOKE- Claude The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Old Folk's Home. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SH1T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the floor.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by Elaine McAteer Saturday 22 March, 2008 03:52 PM

A joke:
Aman goes up to a lady in the bar and says "can I buy you a drink" she says "Thank you but no, its not good for my legs. The man replies "Why, do they swell?" She replies "No, they spread."

Posted by Deirdre Clark Tuesday 18 March, 2008 03:22 PM

Really want joke to be read out please. Preferrably by Captain Paul.

Posted by Dylan Hammond Monday 17 March, 2008 06:10 PM

Q. Why do cheese hate Tuesdays

A. It's Cheese Day

Posted by Deon Wednesday 12 March, 2008 01:39 PM

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque.

I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 10 March, 2008 02:37 PM

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, who is really happy to see you!?

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 10 March, 2008 02:28 PM

Q. What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?

A. A pissed-off crow with a submachine gun.

Posted by Di Blanchard - Wattle Grove Friday 7 March, 2008 05:14 AM

One fine morning a man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession.
A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of about 2000 men walking in a single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it? "
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her? " The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?" The man answered, "My
mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her as well."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man calmly replied "Join the queue"

Posted by brian Saturday 23 February, 2008 03:51 PM

Subject: Balls...
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is, I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is, that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything left to live
for but he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's
clothing store and thought,
"That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said,
"Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised,
"That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see.. size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old."
The salesman shook his head,
"You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine, and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $ 400
New shirt - $ 36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Posted by brian Saturday 23 February, 2008 03:45 PM