Mix 94.5

A 65 year old farmer is divorcing his 25 year old wife because he couldn't keep his hands off her.

But he has now sacked his hands and bought a combine harvester instead.

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 1 September, 2008 06:57 AM

A guy asks his wife if she has ever been unfaithful to him during their wedded life together.

She says "I have been unfaithful 3 times but each time I did it I did it for you".

Puzzled he asks "How do you explain that?"

She says "Do you remember the time you were unemployed and you went for that job interview? We were flat broke and the interviewer said he was considering somebody else for the position. Well I slept with him in order to change his mind and you got the job"

Then she says "Do you also remember when the bank manager wouldn't approve our mortgage application for our home? Well I slept with him and he changed his mind and we got the mortgage".

He says "I'm gobsmacked. But what was the third time?

She says "Do you remember the time you were running for President of the Golf Club and you were 82 votes short………….?"

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 28 August, 2008 06:26 AM

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

At the session last week, the Priest asked Dennis, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Dennis replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Croatia for our 40th anniversary!
"
The Priest responded, "Dennis, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Dennis proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go and get her."

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 27 August, 2008 12:57 PM

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend
just stared at her. Two or three minutes went by. Finally she said, 'How
soon do you need to know?'

Posted by Peter Willsher Friday 22 August, 2008 10:47 AM

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.' I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She
said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and
then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, 'Well, why are you
crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and
my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said,
'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't
remember where I live!'

Posted by Peter Willsher Friday 22 August, 2008 10:46 AM

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

Posted by Peter Willsher Thursday 21 August, 2008 08:51 PM

Maria had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Maria said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend at Surfers Paradise.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she
stood nude, except for a pair of black, lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences!'

Posted by Peter Willsher Thursday 21 August, 2008 08:49 PM

Two Friends were out one day playing a round of golf on the course next to the local funny farm when all of a sudden this naked girl runs accross the fairway. The guys pause to watch her and figure she's escaped from the farm. Sure enough these two attendants come through the bushes chasing after her. Followed behind them is another older man in a nightgown. They scratch thier head and decide to continue when an attendant carrying two buckets of sand runs accross the fairway. They really are puzzled but play on.

Later on they are on the green when this Beautiful Naked girl runs accross the green. They stop and stare. A few seconds later the two attendants are still chasing her followed by the old man and then the attendant with the buckets. They really are puzzled now. They are about to play on when the girl bounds accross again chased by the attendants.

They decide to get to the bottom of this and stop the old man as the guy with the buckets runs past. "Whats going on?" they ask.

The Old guy looks up and says. "She's the local Nymphomaniac and they are trying to catch her"

"So, whats the guy with the buckets of sand?"

"He caught her last"

Posted by Martin Thursday 21 August, 2008 10:46 AM

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and laughing out loud, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 20 August, 2008 06:22 AM

Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft!

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 20 August, 2008 06:20 AM

Ed and Harriet met while on a cruise, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you. I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend.

"I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now.

" Harriet responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes………...I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added……."You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 20 August, 2008 06:18 AM

Canadian Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the barkeeper, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.

I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.

The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'

Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. '

Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim?

And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and
rude.'

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the barkeeper.

John says 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 20 August, 2008 05:06 AM

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

Posted by Barrie Saturday 16 August, 2008 05:40 PM

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to
change. One day John came home with another of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once again.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Posted by Barrie Saturday 16 August, 2008 05:15 PM

Q: What sought of Bees make milk

A: Boo-Bees

Posted by Mark Maddams Wednesday 13 August, 2008 01:19 PM

Bruce and Trevor are beggars. They beg in different areas of Bondi .

Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects $ 2 to $ 3 every day.

Trevor brings home a suitcase FULL of $ 10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Bruce says to Trevor 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $ 10 notes every day?'

Trevor says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Bruce's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Trevor says 'No wonder you only get $ 2- $ 3

Bruce says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Trevor shows Bruce his sign....

It reads, 'I only need another $ 10 to move back to New Zealand '.

Posted by Jim Chapman Sunday 10 August, 2008 05:15 AM

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says
the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

...................keep going..........................

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

Posted by Jim Chapman Sunday 10 August, 2008 05:12 AM

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor?'

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

Posted by Barry Inder Friday 8 August, 2008 05:55 AM

Two bats hanging upside down in the cave. First bat says "You know what worries me about getting old?" Second bat says "No, what!" "INCONTINENCE!!!"

Posted by Ray Willis Thursday 7 August, 2008 07:40 PM

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 6 August, 2008 05:28 AM

What's the difference between a seagull at the beach and a nappyless baby at home crawling on all fours .

The seagull flits across the shore………...

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 6 August, 2008 05:25 AM

Fred will enjoy these one liners

NEW GOLF TERMS

1. A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's an impossible read.

2. A 'Rock Hudson' - it looked straight, but wasn't.

3. A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.

4. A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.

5. A 'John Kennedy Jr' - didn't make it over the water.

6. A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.

7. An 'O.J. Simpson' - got away with it.

8. A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.

9. A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used a driver.

10. A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.

11. A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a bit too far to the right.

12. A 'Nancy Pelosi' - way too far to the left.

13. A 'Barbra Streis and' - ugly but still working.

14. A 'Teddy Kennedy' - goes in the water, but jumps out. ...........

Posted by Phil Seaton Tuesday 5 August, 2008 08:40 AM

speaking of useless objects around the home.........I divorced mine

Posted by Woody Tuesday 5 August, 2008 06:19 AM

S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile .

But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!

Posted by Marc Monday 4 August, 2008 01:04 PM

Three race horses stood in their stalls.
One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" she bragged.
The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!"
Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!"
This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls.
The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them."
The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"

Posted by Barry Inder Friday 1 August, 2008 07:28 AM

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly marriage seminar for husbands. At the session last week, the priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 20th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go back and get her."

Posted by LEE PINNER Thursday 31 July, 2008 10:49 AM

why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
she had a blonde boyfriend

Posted by bocelina Wednesday 30 July, 2008 07:27 PM

I woman returned to work from her honeymoon and her workmates ask - how was the honeymoon. She says - terrible. In & out - up & down - all day and all night - in and out Up and down - there was no rest. That is the last time we are getting a room next to a lift.

Posted by Ray McDonald Wednesday 30 July, 2008 07:30 AM

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his pal Seamus, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Paddy said to Seamus, 'I'm tinking that yer man's game there is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Seamus replied, 'Ah to be sure it ain't rigged Paddy. My wife won twice last week.'

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 30 July, 2008 07:25 AM

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The
agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Very quickly shots were heard, one after another until all the bullets were fired. Then they heard more screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 30 July, 2008 05:41 AM

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said "Honey? Please Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

"Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 30 July, 2008 05:33 AM

Q: How many Eagles does it take to support criminal behaviour?

A: At least one that we know of.

Posted by Dockerman Tuesday 29 July, 2008 11:09 AM

Q.How many dockers does it take to change a light globe
A.None they have never made it to the top of the ladder.

Posted by adrian Tuesday 29 July, 2008 10:18 AM

What's in a name? The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street
(pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete...she is now a
nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large
metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, I.C.U.

Posted by peter Monday 28 July, 2008 08:45 PM

2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.

'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'

'I get lots of practice' replied the other guy. 'My Wife’s an epileptic'

Posted by peter Monday 28 July, 2008 08:42 PM

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "The Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice b**bs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

Posted by Cindy Tuesday 22 July, 2008 11:05 AM

An elderly man walks into a confessional, the following conversation ensues:

Man:
'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking .
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm not Catholic I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Then why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

Posted by Elaine Tuesday 22 July, 2008 08:20 AM

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said,
'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Posted by Elaine Tuesday 22 July, 2008 08:18 AM

A man walks into the bar with a piece of bitumen under his arm.
He says to the barman "A beer for me and one for the road"

OR

A man walks into a bar with a sandwich.
He says to the barman " A beer for me and one for my mate here"
The barman replies "I'm sorry. We don't serve food in here"

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 22 July, 2008 07:57 AM

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Posted by Elaine Tuesday 22 July, 2008 06:19 AM

Little Johnny had just finished being an Alter boy for the sunday morning church service. As he was walking out the door the priest gently touched him on the shoulder & whispered into Johnny's ear - See ya later Aligator! Little Johnny turned & said - In a while peadophile!

Posted by Hitch Monday 21 July, 2008 01:29 PM

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 21 July, 2008 06:28 AM

A man escaped from a prison in which he'd been locked up for fifteen years. He broke into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he found a young couple in bed. He ordered the guy out of the bed and tied him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict got on top of her, kissed her neck, then got up to go into the bathroom.

While he was in there, the husband whispered to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responded, "He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

"Be strong. I love you, too."

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 21 July, 2008 06:28 AM

Life would be much better lived backwards.

You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready to start school.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then.......

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 21 July, 2008 06:15 AM

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a girls night out. They were decidedly over-enthusiastic about the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard, so one of them suggested they take care of business behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin them. Luckily,she salvaged a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So,she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls night out thing has got to stop right now! My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came home, passed out on the bed and had a card stuck to her ass that said: FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 21 July, 2008 06:14 AM

Q: How can you tell which end of a worm is it's head?
A: Put it in flour and wait for it to fart.

Posted by Cyndy Donovan Saturday 19 July, 2008 05:52 PM

Paddy finds a sandwich in the gutter with 2 red wires sticking out of it.

He phones the police and says "Help me, Bejesus, I've found a sandwich that looks like a bomb".

The operator replies "Is it tickin?"

"No" says Paddy "Oi tink its beef !!!"

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 July, 2008 08:36 AM

A five-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," replied his mother

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 July, 2008 08:15 AM

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I‘m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decides to accept the latter alternative.

So the big black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he feels sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovers and vows revenge.

He heads out on another trip back to Alaska where he finds the big black bear and shoots it dead. Right afterwards, there’s another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear is standing right next to him.

The Grizzly says, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again Frank decides it's better to cooperate with the grizzly than to be mauled to death... so the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although Frank survives, it takes him several months to fully recover. Now Frank is outraged, so he heads back to Alaska to track down the huge grizzly bear.

He finds it and shoots it dead. He's feeling sweet revenge, but seconds later there is a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looks at him and says,"Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting do you?"

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 July, 2008 08:01 AM

Why did the nurse, who had been delivering babies for many years, take a year off work?

She was going through a midwife crisis.

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 16 July, 2008 06:42 AM

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her intimately.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 15 July, 2008 05:47 AM

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $5,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$130,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,000,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1,000,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It’s really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....!!

He smiles and asks:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to…….!!!!"

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 15 July, 2008 05:45 AM

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'You've all got one minute to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'You B@st@rd….!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was working in a bank when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her and she fell over……!!!

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 10 July, 2008 01:19 PM

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's penis off and tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis splattered into their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then disappeared over the roof.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said.................

'Had a big penis, didn't it?'

Posted by peter Wednesday 9 July, 2008 08:28 PM

That's a pretty funny website El Kitty :)

Posted by Dan Wednesday 9 July, 2008 01:42 PM

World's best web site:

www.isittuesday.com

;)

Posted by El Kitty Wednesday 9 July, 2008 01:20 PM

Howard was a furniture dealer from Georgia. He was wanting a new line of furniture to spark up his inventory. He had never traveled out of the country, so he thought he would go to Paris to see what the furniture market was like over there.

He arrived in Paris and toured several furniture galleries and manufacturing facilities. He found a new line of furniture that he thought would go over well back home in Georgia. He closed the deal for the first shipment and was very pleased with the results. Howard decided he would stop by a little bistro to reward himself for his new business deal. He stops by for a drink and the little bistro is quite crowed. Actually he gets the last available table.

After awhile a tall, beautiful French girl comes in looking for a table. The only remaining seat is at Howards table. She says something to him in French, but he doesn't understand. He signals for her to have a seat. She joins him. But their attempts at conversation don't get very far because she doesn't speak any English and he doesn't speak French.

At one point Howard takes a napkin an draws a wine glass on it. The woman nods and Howard buys her a glass of wine. A little later Howard draws some food, she nods. So they leave the bistro and go to a romantic cafe for dinner.

Howard draws two people dancing and some musical notes. she nods happily, and they go dancing and are having a wonderful time.

As the evening wears on, the girl takes a napkin and draws a four-poster bed. And to this day, Howard hasn't figured out how she knew he was in the furniture business.

Posted by El Kitty Wednesday 9 July, 2008 01:12 PM

Brave Man Jokes...

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 90%..
It is called a wedding cake!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1)Internet
2)Telephone
3)Telawoman

Posted by Michael Wednesday 9 July, 2008 01:11 PM

"Male solution for incontinence"

A wee old man went into a chemist to buy Viagra. He asked the chemist,"Can I have 6 Tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me"? "I can cut them into quarters sir", say the chemist, "but a quarter won't give you a full erection." "I am 96", says the the old man. "I don't have use for an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't urinate on my slippers"!!!!!!

Posted by Con Andreou Tuesday 8 July, 2008 06:36 PM

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

ten kilos

Posted by michele Tuesday 8 July, 2008 05:54 PM

Nicole Kidman naming her baby girl 'Sunday Rose' or should that be "Sunday Roast." Now that is a joke.!!

Posted by Nett190 Tuesday 8 July, 2008 02:03 PM

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 8 July, 2008 05:30 AM

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,

"Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy.................go gitcha momma..............."

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 8 July, 2008 05:23 AM

morton walks into the pub and says to the barman can i have a whiskey please barman pours morton a whiskey. morton drinks the whiskey puts the glass down and asks the barman for another whiskey the barman pours morton another whiskey.

morton then says to the barman you know i shouldnt be drinking this with what i got

barman replys whats wrong morton what you got

morton replys 20 cents

Posted by graeme Monday 7 July, 2008 12:45 PM

Do Whales Fart?
Think of all the problems that start
With the expression of one whales fart !
A sneaky whale behind a ship,
Could certainly let a big one rip !
Can you imagine that mighty blast ?
It would leave a ship without a mast !
And the effect on local fish life,
Would cause a lot of terrible strife !
Do you think the Bermuda Triangle,
Is just a fart at the right angle ?
Would a fart cause a tsunami
To crash over unlucky Miami ?
Could letting off a really big blast
Make a whale go really fast ?
A very long fart at the oceans side
Would be heard over the incoming tide !
What about the beautiful whale song,
Is it accompanied by a terrible pong ?
Yes a whale fart is really real !
How else can you explain a seal ??

Posted by karron Sunday 6 July, 2008 06:30 PM

Two Irish hunters were driving through the country to go deer hunting .They came upon a fork in the road where a sigh read " deer left " so they went home .

Posted by Jamie Robinson Sunday 6 July, 2008 02:57 PM

How are men and carpets alike ? if you lay them right the first time , you can walk all over them for years to come !

Posted by Jamie Robinson Sunday 6 July, 2008 02:38 PM

A womens favorite 4 animals : a mink in the closet , a jaguar in the garage , a tiger in the bedroom , and an ass to pay for it all .

Posted by Jamie Robinson Sunday 6 July, 2008 02:26 PM

A Baptist preacher from WA had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed five objects on his desk: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey, a cigarette, and a Hustler magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK. But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. If he picks up the cigarette, he's going to be a worthless smoker. And worst of all, if he picks up that Hustler magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum."

The preacher waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, put the cigarette to his lips, and lit it up. Taking a long drag from the cancer-stick, he uncorked the whiskey bottle and took a big swig, while admiring the Hustler centerfold.

"Lord have mercy!," the old preacher whispered in disgust, "he's going to be Captain Paul!"

Posted by Barry Inder Friday 4 July, 2008 10:37 AM

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Posted by Simon Locke Friday 4 July, 2008 08:03 AM

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me, Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question.. ' What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

Posted by Simon Locke Friday 4 July, 2008 08:00 AM

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One!"

The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£ 124,237.64"

The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!

What the hell did you sell him?"

Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

Posted by Simon Locke Friday 4 July, 2008 07:54 AM

when i ws married the first morning my wife gave me salad for breakfast.when I asked her why she had give me salad she replied

"I want to see if you eat like a rabbit as well"

Posted by John Griffiths Thursday 3 July, 2008 05:44 PM

what do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A- a wooly jumper

what do you get if you cross a male horse and a coin

A- a buck

Posted by natasha Thursday 3 July, 2008 02:08 PM

Friend of mine went to the zoo.

There was only one dog there.

It was a shitzu

Posted by Avril Thursday 3 July, 2008 01:02 PM

A nun walked into Mother Superior's office and plunked down into a chair.

She let out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.

You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior. ? You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother. A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I ever made....it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…….when it hit a bird in mid-flight, not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.

"While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, his squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself! While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off with my ball still clutched in the squirrel's paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"....as the Hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right on the green.

The ball popped out of the squirrel's paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the F***ing putt, didn't you…….?"

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 3 July, 2008 08:08 AM

While stitching up the hand of a crusty 75 year old Queensland farmer who cut his hand on a gate, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Kevin 07 and his now being our Prime Minister.

The old farmer said, "Ya know, Rudd is what we call a fencepost turtle".

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘fencepost turtle’ was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look remain on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of a idiot put him up there in the first place!''

Posted by Kelly Thursday 3 July, 2008 07:54 AM

How many Fremantle Dockers players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don't know, they haven't reached the top of the ladder yet.

Posted by Allison Thursday 3 July, 2008 07:47 AM

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.

The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

Posted by Allison Thursday 3 July, 2008 07:47 AM

He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you? 'I hope you're so proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been fighting for her life!

It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely be your last!

'For the rest of her life she will require 24 hour round the clock care and you'll be the one looking after her!'

The man was feeling so guilty he just broke down and sobbed uncontrollably.

Then the doctor snickered and said, 'I'm sorry. I'm just joking with you. She died an hour ago. What score did you shoot?'

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 3 July, 2008 07:43 AM

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Posted by Cindy Wednesday 2 July, 2008 12:35 PM

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind as it hits a windscreen?

It's bum!

Posted by Willie Craig Wednesday 2 July, 2008 10:39 AM

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the
old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

I loved this one xxxx

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Get 5GB of online storage for free! Get it Now!

Posted by Simon Locke Wednesday 2 July, 2008 10:18 AM

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
He says "Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
He answers "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 2 July, 2008 08:30 AM

Important newsflash about Beyonce Knowles.
It was reported last night that Beyonce is, in fact, the love child of the late great U.K. presenter of 'Record Breakers', Roy Castle.

A spokesperson from Beyonce's record company has said that she is pleased by the discovery, but will not be taking her newly discovered father's surname.

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 2 July, 2008 08:25 AM

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathises, and makes him a cuppa.

As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".

"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, " but his eyesight is perfect".

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I can't remember".

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 2 July, 2008 08:15 AM

An elderly couple were attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,

'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

Posted by Gary T Monday 30 June, 2008 08:27 PM

Three dead male bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. After the autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector:

'First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his young mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body: 'A Scotsman, 45, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the big smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Patrick O'Toole, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'He thought he was having his picture taken.... '

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 30 June, 2008 07:05 AM

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral", the man replied... "I'm a gynaecologist!”.

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 30 June, 2008 07:05 AM

Prince Charles is trying to barter with a London prostitute for a moment of passion. She keeps asking for 50 pounds but he keeps trying to barter her down to 20 pounds. After a lot of unsuccessful negotiating he forgets he has a local appointmment with Camilla and rushes off to meet her. On his return he passes the same prostitute who remarks loudly.

"I told you that you wouldn't get much for 20 pounds".

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 30 June, 2008 07:04 AM

A man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion;

"Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly.... "NOW THAT'S how you wave a f ***ing towel, son!!"

Posted by Barry Inder Friday 27 June, 2008 05:50 AM

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation."

The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.

See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.

No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nodded politely and wen t about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull.

The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out.....!!

"Your card…..!! Your card…..!!! Show him your card….!!!!"

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 26 June, 2008 12:20 PM

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an asshole..

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 26 June, 2008 05:37 AM

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

The guy answers, 'A scotch, please.'

The bartender hands him the drink, and says 'That'll be five dollars,' to which the guy replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.' The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'

The guy says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!' The bartender replies, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.'

To which the guy replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 26 June, 2008 05:31 AM

The Fencepost turtle

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer, who got cut on a gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin 07 and his appointment to Prime Minister of Australia.

"Well, ya know," drawled the old farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.

The old farmer said, "when you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."

The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of dill put him up there in the first place!''

Posted by Ian Moo Wednesday 25 June, 2008 08:11 PM

Hey Barry, thanks for all the jokes :) Keep them coming

Posted by Joss from The Bunch Wednesday 25 June, 2008 08:30 AM

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"

The Chinse Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"

The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"

The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 25 June, 2008 07:13 AM

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks,'What happened?'

His wife replies,'Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

I do not have a headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.'

'It worked! The headaches are all gone.'

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire In the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her On the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps Into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I'll be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even Better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!'

His funeral service will be held on Saturday

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 24 June, 2008 05:32 AM

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Cause he kneaded a s&^t!!!

Posted by Denise Thursday 19 June, 2008 07:25 PM

The Australian Army Letter.
Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, or eggs ta get or feed to stack -nothin'!!

But ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even some soap and a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city kids are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - strewth... its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' -dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes