Mix 94.5

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Silly Season Begins......

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 20 November, 2008 01:37 PM

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake.

Both are in intensive care……………

One has a dodgy Tikka, the other is in a Korma.

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 19 November, 2008 12:03 PM

Two female friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh Dear, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: .........."Don't you have a vase?

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 19 November, 2008 08:23 AM

It has been discovered that Al Quaeda have been putting bombs in tins of alphabet spaghetti.

If they go off, it could spell disaster.

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 19 November, 2008 06:54 AM

Hey brother ghost, how did you get that terrible bump on your head?

I was floating throught the key hole when some moron put the key back in the lock!

Posted by Allana Wednesday 12 November, 2008 10:52 AM

Johnny, I told you to be at school by 9:15am.!
Why, what happened?

Posted by Allana Wednesday 12 November, 2008 10:44 AM

Sir Douglas Bader, the legendary World War II fighter pilot, was invited by an upper class girl's school in London to give a talk about the courage he displayed whilst flying his RAF Spitfire fighting against the German Luftwaffe in the skies over Europe.

"There I was, leading our squadron back from a successful raid when suddenly, at about 1 o'clock, coming out of the sun, was three Fockers heading towards us".

The headmistress, keen to avoid any misinterpretation about the word "Focker" interjected.

"I'd just like to point out to the young ladies present that the Focker was a Dutch-built aircraft employed by the German Airforce during the Second World War.

"You are absolutely correct, headmistress" says Sir Douglas. "However, these three Fockers were Messerschmitts".

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 11 November, 2008 01:03 PM

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 10 November, 2008 01:08 PM

Two hats are on a hatstand.
One turns to the other and says “You stay here, I’ll go on ahead”

If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Posted by Michael Thomas Tuesday 4 November, 2008 07:20 PM

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we
recently took a man with no brains out of Texas , put him in the White
House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.

Posted by Merryn Lapham Friday 31 October, 2008 10:30 PM

A joke for Captain Paul

What do hillbillys do on halloween?

They PUMP...kin

Posted by Jay Friday 31 October, 2008 05:37 AM

What's in a name? The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-a-Boo) is not just an athlete...she is now a nurse currently working in an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital in Seattle .

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer and say,

"Picabo, I.C.U."

Posted by Clive Murray Thursday 30 October, 2008 09:22 AM

50 Cents new reality TV show where he shares his lessons he learnt from his time 'hustling' on the streets (this helped him become what he is today!)

Question to Contestants -

1. Name five junkie terms for Heroin?
2. How do you find a vein in dim light?
3. If the Police question you, do you a)'put a cap in his @ss'? b)respond with the phrase 'I ain't dun nufin' c)claim your being picked on because of your race, or d) all of the above?

Posted by Jaydon Wednesday 29 October, 2008 07:42 AM

The Great Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darling
You’re a bloody topnotch bird
And when I say you’re gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don’t mind a bit of flab
It means that when I’m ready
There’s something there to grab

So your belly isn’t flat no more
I tell ya, I don’t care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I’m tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you’ve got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nana’s grave
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good
As I was ever gonna get

No matter what you look like
I’ll always love ya, dear
Now shut while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer

Posted by Bruce Gordon Tuesday 28 October, 2008 06:10 PM

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination,the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The Gorilla was on heat..

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.. So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500

Posted by Pieter Haverhoek Tuesday 28 October, 2008 06:04 PM

Masochist: Whip me...Whip me.
Sadist: mmmm Nah.

Posted by Loz Brady Tuesday 28 October, 2008 11:46 AM

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the moth! er heard her son say,'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

Posted by Viv Tuesday 28 October, 2008 10:52 AM

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Posted by Jodie Geary Friday 24 October, 2008 09:23 PM

a preist books into a hotel and while he's at the desk he asks the girl behind the counter " is the porn channel in my room disabled" and the girl snarls back at him "no it's regular porn you sicko!!"

Posted by shane (pigzy) tierney Friday 24 October, 2008 08:22 PM

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'

Posted by Al Hope Friday 24 October, 2008 11:26 AM

Grandma's DON'T know everything.......

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling..'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called BUNK BEDS.

And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!'

Posted by pix Thursday 23 October, 2008 10:50 PM

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . .. . LONG SILENCE . . .. . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble!!'

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 23 October, 2008 07:45 AM

OOOHHH Ray you are sooo going to get it_lol

Posted by Noeleen Wednesday 22 October, 2008 05:16 PM

The minister said to his wife:' I'm off to give a lecture to the Women's Guild.

'Whats the subject?. his wife asked.

He was too embarrassed to tell her it was about sex, so he said: 'Sailing.'

The following day, his wife met one of the Guild in the supermarket. The woman said: 'Your husband gave a very impressive lecture last night. Very imformative.

' Thats funny, said the vicars wife. 'He's only done it twice. The first time he threw up, and the second time his hat blew off.'

Posted by LOUISE IRWIN Wednesday 22 October, 2008 11:05 AM

I bought some Armageddon cheese the other day. It said on the packet: “Best before End.”.
---------------
We're missing out by not eating GM foods. We could have come up with a type of wheat with the properties of velcro to catch whatever it is making those crop circles.

Posted by Mike Tuesday 21 October, 2008 08:36 PM

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody else here see my face?".

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

Ray Owen,
Scarborough

Posted by Ray Tuesday 21 October, 2008 03:15 PM

Two Kiwis, Rangi and Hemi are walking down a street in Bondi.

Rangi happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Rangi says to his pal, ' Hemi, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune. Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries, smiled Hemi, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Rangi says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand , aren't you?'

'Well... yis,' says a surprised Rangi. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

Posted by Marc Tuesday 21 October, 2008 07:43 AM

"Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.

The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected.

"I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Posted by Barry Inder Friday 17 October, 2008 12:51 PM

A German prisoner of war camp, The comandant gathers everyone in the morning and says, "Today I have good news and bad news," "The good news today we have change of underware." Everyone cheers. "The bad news, A block will change with B block"

Posted by David Selway Wednesday 15 October, 2008 05:07 PM

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.. Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

Posted by Mike Friday 10 October, 2008 07:03 PM

On my 70th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a witch doctor living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation,
handed my ticket to the witch doctor and wondered what I was in for.

The old man produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "Mmmm, this powerful medicine. Must be respected. You take one teaspoonful and say 1-2-3. When you do, you become more manly
than you've been in many moons and you perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner say 1-2-3-4", he responded. "But when she do that, medicine not work again until next full moon."

I was eager to see if it worked. I hurried home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began tearing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

Posted by Mike Sunday 5 October, 2008 04:49 PM

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter
speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

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A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they
were labelled LSD?" Granny replies, " F@ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her
husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment." He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."

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Wife gets naked & asks hubby, "What turns you on
more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, "Your sense
of humour!"

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An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

Posted by Tracey Tuesday 30 September, 2008 06:41 AM

Heres one for captain Paul !!! I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed, I mean, how in the world could anyone stoop so low?

Posted by Ron Manuel Sunday 28 September, 2008 10:18 AM

News update:
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan .

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and
analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Posted by Mike Poupart Friday 26 September, 2008 12:30 PM

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub has overturned on the Mitchell Freeway during rush hour but police say that there will be no congestion for up to 8 hours.

Posted by Mike Poupart Wednesday 24 September, 2008 09:33 PM

TEN TIMES NORMAL SIZE

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'

Posted by Ally Tuesday 23 September, 2008 03:42 PM

Housework

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex".

The night went very well.

The next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that ... Ralph was too tired.."

Posted by Dave Cartwright Tuesday 23 September, 2008 12:51 PM

Paddy phones for an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken'

Operator 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street'

Operator 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.

After a minute:-

Operator 'Are you there sir?'

Silence.

A minute later:-

Operator 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until:-

Operator 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street'

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 22 September, 2008 10:02 AM

What do you call two robbers ?

A pair of knickers

Posted by Liz Thursday 18 September, 2008 12:35 PM

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes," the man responded. "I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Struth! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah," the man said, "my wife."

Posted by Dave Cartwright Monday 15 September, 2008 01:06 PM

A man was experiencing erectile dysfunction problems and was told by his doctor about a rather unusual and experimental treatment that involved injecting stem cells from an elephant's trunk into the base of his penis. Unwilling to give up sex for the rest of his life and with assurances from his doctor that this did not involve any cruelty to the elephant, he agreed to undergo the procedure.

A number of weeks after the operation he was given the all clear and decided to take his girlfriend for a romantic dinner in a lovely restaurant. Halfway through dinner, he was relieved to feel a familiar stirring in his groin, which quickly turned into a rather large swelling. Soon, the pressure become too painful and he was obliged to undo his flies. He was astounded when his penis felt it's way across the tablecloth and grabbed the bread roll from his girlfriend's plate before disappearing back into his trousers.

His girlfriend's expression changed from that of shock to delight and she leaned over and whispered, "Can you make it do that again?". His eyes watering, he replied, "I think I can, but I don't think I can fit another bread roll up my a**e!"

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 15 September, 2008 12:11 PM

Why don't blind people like skydiving?

Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Posted by Dylan Hammond Thursday 11 September, 2008 07:41 PM

Who was the first fish serial killer?

Jack the Kipper

Posted by Geoff Crowhurst Wednesday 10 September, 2008 07:47 AM

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton handkerchief, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.

'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.

'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.

'How much for a new one?'

'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton handkerchief, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.

'The regiment has taken a vote,' says the Scot. 'We'll have a new one.'

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 9 September, 2008 08:58 AM

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.

The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a fecking clueless idiot...
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's name?'

' Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise '

Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies ' Denephew '

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 9 September, 2008 04:51 AM

Noah Today!

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Western Australia (where else?), and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Planning Permission and a Building Permit, then had to pay Council Planning fees, Shire Approval fees, Building fees, Footpath and Road Cross-Over fees, a Construction Industry Training Levy, water and sewer connection fees, temporary light and power fees, and erect a sign on my boundary facing the road. I tried to explain, but they wouldn’t listen.

Because they valued the work at more than $20,000, I have to employ a Registered Builder or apply to the Builders Registration Board for an Owner-Builder’s Licence, plus they want soil tests and a Soil Classification, a Contour Survey, produce a Title Search, produce endless copies of the drawings and have a set signed off by a Structural Engineer, …even though I argued it’s not a building but an Ark!

I had to provide Insurance Covers for contractors, Public Risk, Builders Indemnity, Work Cover, and an excess-risk compensation policy. I tried telling them nobody would survive the flood to make any claims, but they insisted that was irrelevant.

I had to provide handrails and barricades, lighting and safety equipment, and provide protective high-visibility clothing, hard hats with sun-shields, steel capped boots, sunglasses, and sun-blocking cream. The site had to have a chemical toilet, access road, EPA requirements and clean-up.

Health and Safety insisted we had to have scaffolding, crane-lifts, a Blue Card, and signage everywhere.

I've been arguing with an inspector about the need for a sprinkler system, the Fire Officer about boundary clearances, even a Pool inspector came over to discuss fencing arrangements around a swimming pool to put the Ark in, .…that they felt I must be building!

My neighbours claim that I'll be violating neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and that I will be exceeding the height limitations.

We had to go to the Western Australian Planning Commission, and Appeal to the Minister for a decision, because the local Shire insisted it was out of character with the neighbourhood. The Councillors rejected it straightaway because one didn’t like the colour, another because it would upset his mother, others wanted more information about the type of wood to be used, whilst the rest wanted further reports and meetings on the impact it might have to get them past the re-elections.

Then Western Power demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

The West Australian Water Authority wanted to charge for deep sewage, even though I’ve told them it’s an Ark, and want me to supply information on expected water consumption requirements. Worse! Because it’s to be built in Kalamunda and they subject this area to something they dreamed up just for us called Dures, they wanted $12,000 per dwelling! Then they classed it as multiple dwellings, started their “calculations” but lost count after $9,600,000…

Getting the wood was another problem and everything had to be Certified as Termite treated. There's a ban on cutting local trees. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the wildlife - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the Departments of Industry Resources and Department of Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

The Department of Immigration and Indigenous Affairs are checking the immigration status of most of the people who want to help, and the Department of Consumer and Employment Protection and Department of Employment and Workplace Relations are investigating why I only need to hire people for only six months.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the ATO and AQIS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it"

Posted by George Sulcs Friday 5 September, 2008 06:33 AM

A 65 year old farmer is divorcing his 25 year old wife because he couldn't keep his hands off her.

But he has now sacked his hands and bought a combine harvester instead.

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 1 September, 2008 06:57 AM

A guy asks his wife if she has ever been unfaithful to him during their wedded life together.

She says "I have been unfaithful 3 times but each time I did it I did it for you".

Puzzled he asks "How do you explain that?"

She says "Do you remember the time you were unemployed and you went for that job interview? We were flat broke and the interviewer said he was considering somebody else for the position. Well I slept with him in order to change his mind and you got the job"

Then she says "Do you also remember when the bank manager wouldn't approve our mortgage application for our home? Well I slept with him and he changed his mind and we got the mortgage".

He says "I'm gobsmacked. But what was the third time?

She says "Do you remember the time you were running for President of the Golf Club and you were 82 votes short………….?"

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 28 August, 2008 06:26 AM

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

At the session last week, the Priest asked Dennis, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Dennis replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Croatia for our 40th anniversary!
"
The Priest responded, "Dennis, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Dennis proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go and get her."

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 27 August, 2008 12:57 PM

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend
just stared at her. Two or three minutes went by. Finally she said, 'How
soon do you need to know?'

Posted by Peter Willsher Friday 22 August, 2008 10:47 AM

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.' I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She
said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and
then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, 'Well, why are you
crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and
my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said,
'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't
remember where I live!'

Posted by Peter Willsher Friday 22 August, 2008 10:46 AM

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket .

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

Posted by Peter Willsher Thursday 21 August, 2008 08:51 PM

Maria had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Maria said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend at Surfers Paradise.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she
stood nude, except for a pair of black, lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences!'

Posted by Peter Willsher Thursday 21 August, 2008 08:49 PM

Two Friends were out one day playing a round of golf on the course next to the local funny farm when all of a sudden this naked girl runs accross the fairway. The guys pause to watch her and figure she's escaped from the farm. Sure enough these two attendants come through the bushes chasing after her. Followed behind them is another older man in a nightgown. They scratch thier head and decide to continue when an attendant carrying two buckets of sand runs accross the fairway. They really are puzzled but play on.

Later on they are on the green when this Beautiful Naked girl runs accross the green. They stop and stare. A few seconds later the two attendants are still chasing her followed by the old man and then the attendant with the buckets. They really are puzzled now. They are about to play on when the girl bounds accross again chased by the attendants.

They decide to get to the bottom of this and stop the old man as the guy with the buckets runs past. "Whats going on?" they ask.

The Old guy looks up and says. "She's the local Nymphomaniac and they are trying to catch her"

"So, whats the guy with the buckets of sand?"

"He caught her last"

Posted by Martin Thursday 21 August, 2008 10:46 AM

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.

And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and laughing out loud, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 20 August, 2008 06:22 AM

Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft!

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 20 August, 2008 06:20 AM

Ed and Harriet met while on a cruise, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you. I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend.

"I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now.

" Harriet responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes………...I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added……."You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 20 August, 2008 06:18 AM

Canadian Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the barkeeper, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.

I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.

The barkeeper, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'

Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the barkeeper. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. '

Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim?

And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and
rude.'

'So why keep going to England ?' asks the barkeeper.

John says 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 20 August, 2008 05:06 AM

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.'

Posted by Barrie Saturday 16 August, 2008 05:40 PM

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to
change. One day John came home with another of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once again.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Posted by Barrie Saturday 16 August, 2008 05:15 PM

Q: What sought of Bees make milk

A: Boo-Bees

Posted by Mark Maddams Wednesday 13 August, 2008 01:19 PM

Bruce and Trevor are beggars. They beg in different areas of Bondi .

Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects $ 2 to $ 3 every day.

Trevor brings home a suitcase FULL of $ 10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Bruce says to Trevor 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $ 10 notes every day?'

Trevor says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Bruce's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Trevor says 'No wonder you only get $ 2- $ 3

Bruce says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Trevor shows Bruce his sign....

It reads, 'I only need another $ 10 to move back to New Zealand '.

Posted by Jim Chapman Sunday 10 August, 2008 05:15 AM

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says
the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

...................keep going..........................

Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

Posted by Jim Chapman Sunday 10 August, 2008 05:12 AM

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor?'

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

Posted by Barry Inder Friday 8 August, 2008 05:55 AM

Two bats hanging upside down in the cave. First bat says "You know what worries me about getting old?" Second bat says "No, what!" "INCONTINENCE!!!"

Posted by Ray Willis Thursday 7 August, 2008 07:40 PM

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 6 August, 2008 05:28 AM

What's the difference between a seagull at the beach and a nappyless baby at home crawling on all fours .

The seagull flits across the shore………...

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 6 August, 2008 05:25 AM

Fred will enjoy these one liners

NEW GOLF TERMS

1. A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's an impossible read.

2. A 'Rock Hudson' - it looked straight, but wasn't.

3. A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.

4. A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.

5. A 'John Kennedy Jr' - didn't make it over the water.

6. A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.

7. An 'O.J. Simpson' - got away with it.

8. A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.

9. A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used a driver.

10. A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.

11. A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a bit too far to the right.

12. A 'Nancy Pelosi' - way too far to the left.

13. A 'Barbra Streis and' - ugly but still working.

14. A 'Teddy Kennedy' - goes in the water, but jumps out. ...........

Posted by Phil Seaton Tuesday 5 August, 2008 08:40 AM

speaking of useless objects around the home.........I divorced mine

Posted by Woody Tuesday 5 August, 2008 06:19 AM

S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile .

But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!

Posted by Marc Monday 4 August, 2008 01:04 PM

Three race horses stood in their stalls.
One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" she bragged.
The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!"
Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!"
This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls.
The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them."
The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"

Posted by Barry Inder Friday 1 August, 2008 07:28 AM

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly marriage seminar for husbands. At the session last week, the priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a tried to treata her nice, spenda the money on her, but best is that I tooka her to Italy for our 20th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a gonna go back and get her."

Posted by LEE PINNER Thursday 31 July, 2008 10:49 AM

why did the blonde have a sore belly button?
she had a blonde boyfriend

Posted by bocelina Wednesday 30 July, 2008 07:27 PM

I woman returned to work from her honeymoon and her workmates ask - how was the honeymoon. She says - terrible. In & out - up & down - all day and all night - in and out Up and down - there was no rest. That is the last time we are getting a room next to a lift.

Posted by Ray McDonald Wednesday 30 July, 2008 07:30 AM

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his pal Seamus, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Paddy said to Seamus, 'I'm tinking that yer man's game there is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Seamus replied, 'Ah to be sure it ain't rigged Paddy. My wife won twice last week.'

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 30 July, 2008 07:25 AM

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The
agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Very quickly shots were heard, one after another until all the bullets were fired. Then they heard more screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 30 July, 2008 05:41 AM

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said "Honey? Please Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,

"Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 30 July, 2008 05:33 AM

Q: How many Eagles does it take to support criminal behaviour?

A: At least one that we know of.

Posted by Dockerman Tuesday 29 July, 2008 11:09 AM

Q.How many dockers does it take to change a light globe
A.None they have never made it to the top of the ladder.

Posted by adrian Tuesday 29 July, 2008 10:18 AM

What's in a name? The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street
(pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete...she is now a
nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large
metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, I.C.U.

Posted by peter Monday 28 July, 2008 08:45 PM

2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.

'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'

'I get lots of practice' replied the other guy. 'My Wife’s an epileptic'

Posted by peter Monday 28 July, 2008 08:42 PM

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "The Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice b**bs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

Posted by Cindy Tuesday 22 July, 2008 11:05 AM

An elderly man walks into a confessional, the following conversation ensues:

Man:
'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking .
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm not Catholic I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Then why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

Posted by Elaine Tuesday 22 July, 2008 08:20 AM

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said,
'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Posted by Elaine Tuesday 22 July, 2008 08:18 AM

A man walks into the bar with a piece of bitumen under his arm.
He says to the barman "A beer for me and one for the road"

OR

A man walks into a bar with a sandwich.
He says to the barman " A beer for me and one for my mate here"
The barman replies "I'm sorry. We don't serve food in here"

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 22 July, 2008 07:57 AM

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Posted by Elaine Tuesday 22 July, 2008 06:19 AM

Little Johnny had just finished being an Alter boy for the sunday morning church service. As he was walking out the door the priest gently touched him on the shoulder & whispered into Johnny's ear - See ya later Aligator! Little Johnny turned & said - In a while peadophile!

Posted by Hitch Monday 21 July, 2008 01:29 PM

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom.

She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 21 July, 2008 06:28 AM

A man escaped from a prison in which he'd been locked up for fifteen years. He broke into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he found a young couple in bed. He ordered the guy out of the bed and tied him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict got on top of her, kissed her neck, then got up to go into the bathroom.

While he was in there, the husband whispered to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responded, "He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

"Be strong. I love you, too."

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 21 July, 2008 06:28 AM

Life would be much better lived backwards.

You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready to start school.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then.......

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 21 July, 2008 06:15 AM

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a girls night out. They were decidedly over-enthusiastic about the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard, so one of them suggested they take care of business behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with, so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin them. Luckily,she salvaged a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So,she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls night out thing has got to stop right now! My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came home, passed out on the bed and had a card stuck to her ass that said: FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

Posted by Barry Inder Monday 21 July, 2008 06:14 AM

Q: How can you tell which end of a worm is it's head?
A: Put it in flour and wait for it to fart.

Posted by Cyndy Donovan Saturday 19 July, 2008 05:52 PM

Paddy finds a sandwich in the gutter with 2 red wires sticking out of it.

He phones the police and says "Help me, Bejesus, I've found a sandwich that looks like a bomb".

The operator replies "Is it tickin?"

"No" says Paddy "Oi tink its beef !!!"

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 July, 2008 08:36 AM

A five-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," replied his mother

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 July, 2008 08:15 AM

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear says, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I‘m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decides to accept the latter alternative.

So the big black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he feels sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovers and vows revenge.

He heads out on another trip back to Alaska where he finds the big black bear and shoots it dead. Right afterwards, there’s another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear is standing right next to him.

The Grizzly says, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Again Frank decides it's better to cooperate with the grizzly than to be mauled to death... so the grizzly has his way with Frank.

Although Frank survives, it takes him several months to fully recover. Now Frank is outraged, so he heads back to Alaska to track down the huge grizzly bear.

He finds it and shoots it dead. He's feeling sweet revenge, but seconds later there is a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looks at him and says,"Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting do you?"

Posted by Barry Inder Thursday 17 July, 2008 08:01 AM

Why did the nurse, who had been delivering babies for many years, take a year off work?

She was going through a midwife crisis.

Posted by Barry Inder Wednesday 16 July, 2008 06:42 AM

A husband and wife came for counselling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately while fondling her intimately.

The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week...... Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

Posted by Barry Inder Tuesday 15 July, 2008 05:47 AM

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $5,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$130,0